


Mother

by PeachyRenjun



Series: Mother/Moon [1]
Category: Super Junior
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Gender Angst, Light BDSM, M/M, Non-Traditional Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, everyone is a good person for once
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-11-13 12:44:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18031982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeachyRenjun/pseuds/PeachyRenjun
Summary: Jungsoo's a beta--it's what he's been told for as long as he can remember, it's the reality of his biology and the way society treats him. But he doesn't feel like a beta. He never has.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I know I said I didn't write suju anymore but this happened. Next two chapters will be up sometime soon--I can't say exactly when, but I'll try not to drag it out too long.
> 
> As is usual for my abo fics, it's a lot more about gender dynamics than it is about heats or stuff like that. While there are a few things incorporated from typical abo like knotting and mpreg, a lot of the typical abo stuff is going to be missing here.
> 
> Set in a universe in which suju exists. I tried to follow loosely along with actual history (with abo elements added, of course) but some things are either shifted slightly in time or made up for plot convenience. Alternates between sections told in 2018/2019 and sections told chronologically throughout suju's history.

Heechul pushes into him again, unforgiving as he pushes Jungsoo’s face into the sheets. Heechul’s breath is hot on his ear, sweat slicked chest hot against Jungsoo’s back. “Say it, Jungsoo, say it.”

“I don’t know what--” He’s cut off when Heechul reaches down to wrap a hand around Jungsoo’s cock, squeezing it between his fingers and drawing a whine from Jungsoo’s throat.

“Yes, you do,” Heechul says, his hand still but tight, his voice mean and low as his hips continue their brutal pace. “Come on, slut, say it.”

Jungsoo feels another whine make its way out of his throat. Heechul isn’t the largest he’s taken, nor the roughest, certainly not, but there’s still something about the way that Heechul fucks him that always manages to make Jungsoo feel so much more vulnerable. Maybe it’s because Heechul knows him too well, isn’t afraid to say the things that Jungsoo’s brain whispers to him in the middle of the night because Jungsoo’s more masochistic than he’ll ever admit. Heechul won’t apologize after, but he’ll get him a glass of water, he’ll help Jungsoo into the shower, he’ll sleep on Jungsoo’s couch and help cook breakfast in the morning while Shimkoong curls at his feet. Heechul’s what Jungsoo needs sometimes, even if he’s never been what Jungsoo wants.

“I’m just a pathetic--” Jungsoo cuts himself off, taking a breath between the words. Heechul waits, his breath pausing and his hips slowing for half a second as he waits to see whether Jungsoo will say the words himself or Heechul will have to say them instead. He barely says the words when he finally does get them out, the words coming out more breathy and desperate and wrecked than he’d meant them to. “I’m just a pathetic beta cockslut who’d do anything to get a cock inside him.”

“That’s right,” Heechul says into his ear, loud and clear, his voice unaffected. “You’re so desperate you’d even let an _omega_ fuck you.” Heechul’s lips pull away from his ear, and a hand comes up to force Jungsoo’s face into the bed, nearly depriving him of air. He can feel tears on his face, but he’s not sure if it’s the sex or the lack of air or the words that Heechul’s saying to him. The words that are only the truth of the situation, when looked at from the outside, the words that bite deeper than anything else Jungsoo could tell himself. “What do you think your fans would think if they saw you, the perfect beta man, getting fucked like a bitch by an omega? How quickly would they turn on you if they knew who you really are?”

Jungsoo sobs again at that, because there are so many things that phrase could mean but every one of them would hurt him, hurt all of them, each in a different way. Things that would hurt Heechul too. “Please, Heechul, please.”

“What, Jungsoo, what do you want?” Heechul’s voice taunts him. “Do you want me to come inside you, to give you my knot?” He pauses, scoffing. “Oh wait, I don’t have one of those. Then again, your alpha hasn’t given you his knot in such a long time you’d probably appreciate anything I could give you, wouldn’t you?”

“Please just, please just cum,” Jungsoo pleads. He won’t get anything from it, physically at least--Heechul’s right, he does enjoy being knotted--but it’s the idea of it that gets him off. There’s something about being fucked by an omega, being degraded down from a beta and used by the lowest of the low. The only person who would allow an omega to fuck them is another--

“Fine,” Heechul says. He grabs the back of Jungsoo’s throat as his hips stutter eratically, getting closer and closer. When he finally cums, his hips stutter against Jungsoo’s hips one last time. Jungsoo feels the liquid spilled inside him, how it’s warm like cum but yet so much thinner--omegas don’t produce sperm, after all. Heechul pulls out of him, and as the liquid leaks out of him, Jungsoo comes into the bedsheets, his body shaking.

Heechul scoffs, turning him onto his back to look him in the eye. Heechul’s eyes sweep over him with pity and concern masked in disinterest. “Cumming just from the feeling of my cum. You really are one of us, aren’t you?”

Jungsoo closes his eyes and twists himself onto his side. He feels Heechul climb off the bed, his footsteps echoing against the floor as he walks away, and for a moment he almost believes that Heechul is really going to just leave him there this time. It’s not like it would be the first time Jungsoo would sleep alone, his bed dirty from his own cum, as much as it would bother him to feel it against his skin and it would give him anxiety when he woke in the morning. Jungsoo’s used to being alone, now.

“Come on,” Heechul says. Jungsoo opens his eyes to see Heechul back at his side, boxer-clad and skin slightly less sweaty. He pulls Jungsoo up out of bed, tugging Jungsoo along to the little bathroom down the hall from his bedroom. The shower is already turned on, and Heechul leaves without a word once Jungsoo starts to scrub himself down with that hideously-scented bodywash that Donghae had given him as a gift and that Jungsoo was too polite to throw away.

When Jungsoo walks back to his bedroom, feeling ten times cleaner and with his softest robe against his skin--he kept it in a closet down the hall from the bathroom, but it had been right there on his towel rack when he got out of the shower--he sees the sheets have been changed from the gray ones to the white ones, the comforter not folded as neatly as Jungsoo himself would have done it, but an effort had been made all the same. Shimkoong is sitting right next to his pillow, and as Jungsoo sits down on the edge of the bed she rushes forward to nudge her nose against his arm and cuddle into his lap. He lifts her up to nuzzle into his chest and lick at his neck as he moves to lay down on the bed. He reaches over to his bedside table to grab his phone--plugged in, even though he’d carelessly tossed it to the floor an hour ago when Heechul had pushed him into the bedroom--and puts on the playlist that he likes to listen to before he sleeps on nights where the anxiety is getting to him. It’s on shuffle, and the first song that echoes softly through the speakers on his dresser on the other side of the room is one of Ryeowook’s songs, the one he wrote for his mother.

Jungsoo curls onto his side, Koongie next to his pillow, and hopes that Heechul can’t hear the sounds of Ryeowook’s voice.

 

\-----

 

Jungsoo had always known, on some level, but everything became louder and impossible to ignore in the hours that he was sat next to the hospital bed, listening to Kyuhyun’s heartbeat--supported by machines, _he should’ve done more, he should’ve treated him better, because now he could be gone any hour and all the memories he would have of them of them would be bad_ \--against the silence of the too sterile white room. He wasn’t alone, even without counting Kyuhyun. The other members had been rotating throughout the day and night, most of them having tried and failed to coax Jungsoo to rest. Ryeowook was with him now, in the chair next to him, far enough to be unnoticeable if Jungsoo didn’t want to see him.

“Don’t blame yourself,” Ryeowook said, in the silence, an hour after he’d sat down next to him. He said it without a prompt, and Jungsoo struggled to do more than blink as Ryeowook broke him out of the spiral of thoughts he’d fallen into. “It’s not your fault, Hyung. Not the accident, and not the way that the rest of us treated him before.”

Jungsoo twitched, refusing to look away from the white wall across from him to meet Ryeowook’s eyes. He would have to look at Kyuhyun, have to see the wounds and the hurt and imagine the boy before him dead in his arms the way he had whenever he’d fallen asleep since the accident. “But it is my fault. The way I treated him personally. He didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve it at all.”

“No, he didn’t.” Ryeowook drummed his fingers against his leg, creating another pattern of sound in the room, another rhythm that contrasted against Kyuhyun’s heartbeat, because Kyuhyun’s heartbeat was machine-even and Ryeowook’s fingers couldn’t help but beat just out of time. “But that doesn’t mean you should blame yourself. Blame doesn’t do anything but hurt when you lay it on yourself.”

“What am I supposed to do instead, then?” Jungsoo swallowed, trying to ignore the way that tears were gathering at the corners of his eyes again. “It feels like blame is all I have left.”

Ryeowook sighed. “You love him. When he wakes up, you do everything you can to show him that you care and to try to repair what happened before. We take care of him, even if he’s never able to sing or dance again.”

“And what if he never wakes up?”

“Then we move on.” Ryeowook’s fingers lost their rhythm. “We hurt, and we regret, and then we move on because it’s our only choice.”

Jungsoo didn’t know how to respond to that, so he didn’t. He sat there, in silence, with Ryeowook by his side, and slowly let his eyes slide. He saw Kyuhyun, and all of the bandages and stitches and machines, and the only words that his mind and heart could conjure were _my baby._

“I feel like a mother who’s watching the child he didn’t want die and realize that he loved the child just as much as his other children all along.”

Ryeowook looked up. “Is that a metaphor for some deeper meaning, or should I take that at face value?”

Jungsoo blinked. “Both, I suppose.” He swallowed. “It’s not the literal truth, of course, but it feels like the truth. Sometimes, I feel like you, and Kibum, and Donghae, and--” He took a deep breath, “and Kyuhyun. It feels like you’re the children I’ll never get to have.”

Ryeowook’s rhythm began again, a little faster this time. “What do you mean, Hyung? You can have children, one day, if you want them.”

Jungsoo shook his head, a bitter smile crossing his lips. “Not the way I want them.” He wrung his fingers, feeling the tension and the nerves in them as every cell in his body screamed out for him not to tell Ryeowook. No one could know. No one could know, it had been beaten into Jungsoo since he was a teenager and began to know it for himself. His life would be over if other people knew. But Jungsoo told Ryeowook anyway. “I want to be a mother, Ryeowook. Not a father.”

Ryeowook’s rhythm didn’t stop, barely even slowed. “Why do you want to be a mother?”

“Because I want to be an omega.” The words came out without Jungsoo’s consent, barely with his knowledge. “I’ve always felt like an omega. Emotionally.”

“Tell me,” Ryeowook said. “Tell me how that feels.”

Jungsoo’s voice moved without him, telling Ryeowook about how much it had hurt in elementary school when they divided the dominant and submissive types and Jungsoo was forced away from all of his friends. How he had fallen in love with an alpha boy in his class in junior high school and had had his heart broken, nearly had his body broken, when the alpha and his friends had discovered that a _beta boy_ had a crush on an alpha. How his body had changed and he’d nearly cried at how he got aroused without getting wet--the physical proof, more than any letter on a certificate or any medical document, that he’d never be able to bear children. How he’d hated the way that his family gave him all of the responsibilities of the sole dominant child, how they’d encouraged--threatened--him to keep all of his feelings that he wasn’t a beta buried as deep as he could bury them.

Ryeowook sat in silence, rhythm broken, when Jungsoo trailed off. The silence ticked by to the beat of Kyuhyun’s mechanical heartbeat, and Jungsoo could feel his own heart beating as loudly as the machines.

“You really are like a mother to us, Hyung,” Ryeowook said, finally. “I think Donghae, and Kibum, and Kyuhyun, and probably a few of the others would agree with me. You’ve made mistakes, but we all have. I don't think--”

A knock at the door interrupted them. Jungsoo turned to see the door slightly open, Jongwoon standing in the frame, holding a bag from the café on the first floor. He had that clumsy smile on his face, the nervous one that he put on because he thought it made him look less intimidating. “I brought food,” he said, eyes sliding past Jungsoo to Ryeowook. “And I’m here to take over watch. Hyung. If you’d like to rest.”

Jungsoo was about to protest, but Ryeowook’s hand on his arm stopped him. Ryeowook leaned in to whisper to him, low enough that Jongwoon wouldn’t hear. “You should get some rest, Umma.”

Jungsoo froze, and Ryeowook stood up, pulling Jungsoo up from his seat as he went. He led him out of the room, passed a mildly confused Jongwoon, one room over to where Jungsoo’s own usually-abandoned hospital bed waited. He pushed Jungsoo to sit down on the bed. Jungsoo looked at him, still slightly shocked, and Ryeowook smiled softly.

“An omega can recognize another omega.” Ryeowook took one of his hands. “I won’t tell anyone what you told me, because it’s yours to tell. But you’re just as much of an omega as I am. And one day that’s going to be hard to hide, or you’re not going to want to hide it anymore. And I’ll support you when that day comes.”

Ryeowook took a step back, letting go of his hand. “I’ll go back and sit with Jongwoon and watch Kyuhyun. Get some sleep, Umma.”

 

\-----

 

Jungsoo toes off his shoes, handing Jongwoon the bottle of wine that he’d brought. “Here, for inviting me tonight.”

“I thought you didn’t drink,” Jongwoon comments as Jungsoo slides on the slippers that Jongwoon had pointed to. “Or have you finally changed?”

Jungsoo laughs under his breath. “I still don’t drink, I just thought Kyuhyun would enjoy it. And Ryeowook.”

Jongwoon snorts. “I’m sure Kyuhyun will.” He leads Jungsoo down the hall to the living room. Kyuhyun is sitting on one of the couches, watching what sounds like an anime. He waves at Jungsoo without looking up, and Jungsoo almost chuckles and considers going over to hit him for it--playfully, of course. He’d never really hurt him.

Jungsoo feels thin arms wrap around his waist and a cheek nuzzle into his shoulder. “Hey, Wookie,” Jungsoo says, and Ryeowook lets out a breath as he smiles against Jungsoo’s shoulder blade.

“Hey, Umma,” Ryeowook responds. He lets go of Jungsoo after a moment, and when Jungsoo turns around to face him he sees that the other is wearing an apron, the undoubtable sign that he’s going to be cooking for them tonight. Unsurprising--neither Jongwoon nor Kyuhyun are that good at making food without some kind of disaster ensuing. Jungsoo debates whether he should offer to help--he’s not the best at cooking, but he’s not the worst either, and there’s something about cooking, especially when the other cook is an omega, that makes him feel more comfortable. He already knows what Ryeowook’s response will be when he offers, but he says it anyway.

“Do you need any help?” He gestures to Ryeowook’s apron as the younger starts to walk back to the kitchen, passing by where Jongwoon is perched on one of the bar stools.

“No,” Ryeowook says, without hesitation. “I can handle it all. And you should rest, Hyung.”

“You should let him help, Wookie,” Jongwoon comments. “After all, you are--”

“Don’t.” Ryeowook cuts him off. He walks over to a bowl on one of the counters and starts to take the vegetables inside out and dice them. “We talked about this, Jongwoon.”

Jungsoo can feel the tension in the air, but he knows, hopes, at least, that they will let it go like they almost always have for the past few years. Ryeowook and Jongwoon don’t fight anymore, not over anything serious. Jungsoo looks back to Jongwoon to watch for a response, nearly considers going to sit next to Kyuhyun on the couch simply to try to defuse the situation.

Jongwoon sighs into his hand. “I know you don’t want to tell anyone yet, but Jungsoo-hyung should be one of the first to know, don’t you think?”

Ryeowook’s back is turned to them, but Jungsoo can tell from the twitch in his arm and the tone of his voice that he’s still annoyed, or perhaps frustrated. Not angry, though. Jungsoo has seen what Ryeowook’s like when he’s angry, and this isn’t it. “My parents don’t even know yet, Jongwoon. Or your parents. Or Kyuhyun’s parents.”

“Ryeowook,” Jongwoon says. His voice is a bit deeper, a bit more soothing. His alpha voice. While Jungsoo can’t feel it himself, he knows the calming effect that an alpha can have on their omega when they want to use it. Ryeowook lets out a deep breath, his shoulders sagging, in response.

He turns back to them, and while Jungsoo can still see traces of exasperation on his face, he looks much more settled now. Resigned, maybe. “Fine,” Ryeowook says, before he turns his gaze solely to Jungsoo. “I’m pregnant. Around nine weeks now.”

Jungsoo doesn’t know what to say at first. He’s happy for him, of course. The more time had gone on, the more he’d thought he’d never see any of the group’s omegas have children of their own. Every year on Heechul’s birthday, Heechul will call Jungsoo--usually at some ungodly hour of the morning when Heechul knows Jungsoo will still be awake, but probably, most likely, definitely, will be alone--and jokingly talk about how he could practically feel his eggs dying inside him. Jungsoo will laugh, because he knows that’s what Heechul wants to hear, and he’ll accept once more that he’ll never see Heechul with children of his own, as much as Heechul deserves to be able to have them. But Ryeowook--Ryeowook is still young, and Jungsoo can imagine with perfect clarity how amazing of a parent Ryeowook would be. Will be.

“Congratulations,” Jungsoo says, and Ryeowook looks away.

Jongwoon takes a deep breath. “We’re still figuring out what to do about it.”

“What do you mean?”

“If we want the fans, and the public more broadly, to be okay with Ryeowook’s pregnancy, Ryeowook is going to have to get married before the baby is born,” Jongwoon says. He takes a deep breath, looking to Ryeowook as if asking him without words to say the rest.

“We don’t know whether the baby’s father is Jongwoon or Kyuhyun,” Ryeowook says, his voice wavering. “And I can’t marry them both, and whichever one I don’t choose is going to be denied legal parental rights to his future children, is going to have to hide his involvement in our relationship, is going to have to act like he’s single for the rest of his lifetime.” Ryeowook looks down, his fingers twitching against his arms where they’re crossed over his chest. “I can’t choose which one to marry when I know I’d be making the other one suffer like that.”

“Your parents would know the truth, though, and all of the members would,” Jungsoo says. He doesn’t know if it’s anything more than hope, but he wants to make them feel better. To let go of a little of their burden the way they always tried to help him do the same. “Even if you weren’t legally with both of them all of the people close to you would know how much the other meant. We could even have another pseudo-wedding ceremony with all three of you, if you want.”

“It’s--” Jongwoon sighs. “It’s a bit more complicated than that, you know.”

Kyuhyun finally walks over from where he’d been sat on the sofa before to sit at one of the bar stools next to Jongwoon. “My parents have no idea Jongwoon is also with Ryeowook. They just think that they were together in the past, before Ryeowook and I got together.”

“And my family probably thinks Ryeowook and I are probably already secretly married,” Jongwoon comments. “My mother wanted me and Ryeowook to get married and have children from the first time I introduced Ryeowook to her thirteen years ago. They have no idea about Kyuhyun’s role.”

“And my parents,” Ryeowook comments, “have no idea that I’m in a relationship with anyone.”

Jungsoo blinks. “How the hell did you keep your parents from talking to each other and finding out about this?”

Jongwoon sighs. “They don’t talk about it to each other because each of Kyuhyun and I’s parents think that we’re trying to keep the relationship a secret from Ryeowook’s parents until we formally propose to Ryeowook, and our parents don’t talk to each other about it because they’d have no reason to think that the other alpha is involved.”

“So basically,” Ryeowook says in summation, “we’re kind of screwed.”

Jungsoo blinks at them. “You should tell them. Seriously.”

Kyuhyun sighs. “We know.”

A moment passes between them, and then Ryeowook turns back to the counter and starts to take the vegetables and mix them in with the other ingredients that are set out. Kyuhyun stands up to turn back to the couch, and without looking at him, Jongwoon speaks. “Kyuhyun.”

“Yes?”

Jongwoon looks up, meeting first Kyuhyun’s eyes, then Jungsoo’s. “Ryeowook should marry Kyuhyun. Not me.” Ryeowook pauses and looks back at them. “My little brother is a beta. He can still get married and have children. But Kyuhyun--”

“My sister is also a beta, that’s what you’re trying to say, right? Not a dominant type.” Kyuhyun sighs. He leans against the counter, looking solely at Jongwoon. “That’s not a good reason to choose me over you, Jongwoon, and you know it.”

“What is a good reason, then? Because there has to be a reason that we can find to choose one of us over the other.”

Jungsoo looks between the two alphas, seeing the intensity and exasperation in both of their eyes. If it were anyone else, if they had been arguing over anything else, Jungsoo wouldn’t have been able to stand still and watch them. Jungsoo has never been good at dealing with alpha anger, but he knows that these two aren’t really angry. Ryeowook would have stepped in by now if they were.

“It’s easier to explain if Ryeowook marries you,” Kyuhyun says. “I’m still doing my service right now, and even though I’m not active duty, it’ll be easier to explain to the public if it’s you.”

“That’s not a good reason either, Kyuhyun. That’s a problem that’ll be over in a few months--”

“But Ryeowook is pregnant now.” Kyuhyun pauses. “And no matter when the actual marriage happens, he will have _become_ pregnant during my service. That’s not something you want to explain.”

Jungsoo sighs, stepping between the two. It's not worth watching them arguing, even if they aren't angry. “Just flip a coin or something. You shouldn’t be arguing over it.”

“They’ve been arguing like this since they found out,” Ryeowook says without pausing his cooking. “And we still haven’t gotten anywhere.”

“Fine.” Kyuhyun steps back. He walks past Jongwoon to stand next to Ryeowook. “Ryeowook.” He waits until Ryeowook pauses and turns to meet his eyes. “I want you to marry Jongwoon. That’s my final decision. If you ask me to marry you, I will say no. And Jongwoon,” he turns to face him, “if you try to come up with another reason that he should marry me, I swear, I won’t kiss you until you and Ryeowook are legally married.”

Jongwoon looks at him, almost looking like he’s about to argue. Jungsoo knows as well as either Ryeowook or Jongwoon do that once Kyuhyun has made up his mind about something like this it’s impossible to change it. Instead of arguing, Jongwoon stands up, walking to Kyuhyun and putting a hand on his cheek. “Thank you,” Jongwoon says, with a slight tremor in his voice, and Kyuhyun leans in to kiss him.

Jungsoo looks away. As happy as he is for them, it almost hurts him to see them so happy when he can’t have happiness like that for himself. Not for the past few years, not since Youngwoon walked away from him. Youngwoon has always been his forever in the same way that Kyuhyun and Jongwoon and Ryeowook are each other’s forever.

After dinner, as Ryeowook and Jungsoo sit on the couch and watch Kyuhyun purposefully splash Jongwoon with bubbles while the two alphas wash the dishes, Ryeowook leans into Jungsoo’s side and breathes out the kind of sigh that Jungsoo constantly feels pent up in his own lungs. Ryeowook speaks softly, in a small enough voice that they both know the alphas won’t be able to hear. “After what happened eight years ago, I never thought I’d marry him.” He smiles, a kind of bittersweetness in his eyes. “How time changes us all.”

Jungsoo wraps an arm around Ryeowook’s shoulder, running his fingers over the younger omega’s upper arm in what he hopes is a supportive gesture. “Why did you take him back?”

Ryeowook laughs. “Because I forgave him. He apologized, and I knew he meant it.” His fingers drum against his leg as he pauses. “I didn’t think I’d take him back, even after I forgave him, but Kyuhyun told me to. Kyuhyun knows me well enough to know that I wouldn’t be happy if I had to give up Jongwoon for him. Besides,” he pauses, looking over to where Kyuhyun has stopped actually washing anything in favor of wrapping his arms around Jongwoon’s waist, “I think Kyuhyun just wanted to be with him too.”

Jungsoo smiles, watching as Kyuhyun lays his chin on Jongwoon’s shoulder, happily swaying as Jongwoon actually attempts to finish washing and drying the dishes. “I’m glad you’re all so happy together,” Jungsoo says. “When I see the three of you, all I can think is that this is the way that things are supposed to be.”

He lets the words hang, and without needing to say anything else, Ryeowook picks up on the meaning beneath the words. Ryeowook always has been one of the smartest among them. “He’ll come back to you,” Ryeowook says. “Like he always has. He’ll plead for you to take him back and you’ll force him to prove that he’s changed, but you’ll take him back.”

“I never thought I would need him to change,” Jungsoo says in response. “I just want him back the way I used to have him.”

 

\-----

 

“What do you mean you can’t control them, Leeteuk? You’re a beta, not some omega bitch.” Jungsoo flinched at the manager’s words. He looked down at his lap, focusing on his fingers and avoiding meeting the manager’s eyes. “No, you know what, maybe an omega bitch would be able to control them better. Do you think we should give Heechul a chance at being leader? At least they’d all listen to him, he’s not afraid to shout at them.”

“Do you think this group would respect him if he shouted?” Youngwoon interrupted the manager. “The only thing holding this group together sometimes is the fact that he actually cares about us. If he started yelling, everyone’s confidence in him would be gone in minutes.”

The rest of the group didn’t say anything, but they glanced between each other as if in agreement. The manager turned to Youngwoon as he paced around the living room. “Defending him, are you?” He raised an eyebrow. “He’s a beta, let him answer for himself.”

“Why does it matter what he is? You’re trying to tell him to do something, and I’m telling you why that would be worse.”

The manager crossed his arms. “It matters because a beta shouldn’t need anyone to support him. You may be an overprotective alpha, but beta males don’t need protecting.”

“Don’t tell me who does or doesn’t need protecting,” Youngwoon stood up and walked over to look the manager in the eye. “It doesn’t matter that it’s him. If it was any member of this group, Ryeowook, Sungmin, Siwon even, I would do the exact same thing. Not because of subgender, not because of any kind of physical or emotional weakness. But because they matter to me.”

“It’s him in particular though, isn’t it?” The manager leaned in closer, his voice dangerously low even as it stayed loud enough for everyone to hear. “You’re in love with him. An alpha in love with a beta. How disgusting.”

“Don’t.” Siwon interrupted from the corner of the room. He didn’t stand up, but all of the eyes in the room gravitated to him as he spoke. “Not tonight. This isn’t worth arguing over. Just let us all sleep, and the anger will be gone in the morning.”

The manager looked between Siwon, Youngwoon, and Jungsoo. “Fine,” he finally said. “Get some sleep. I’ll see you all tomorrow morning.”

The manager walked out of the apartment without another word. No one moved a muscle as he left, and they were hesitant to move even after they’d heard the click of the door falling shut. Donghae was the first to speak. “I’m sorry, Hyung. For earlier.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Donghae,” Jungsoo said, without hesitation. Donghae had been one of the ones that had caused them to be late to their first schedule in the morning, but that didn’t matter now. Donghae didn’t cause this, and neither did any of the others who had ignored Jungsoo’s directions during the day. Jungsoo would never want any of them to blame themselves for this.

Youngwoon walked over to sit beside Jungsoo, and without another word the others started to leave the room, off to their own bedrooms or to the other floor. Heechul shot them a concerned glance as he left, but he made no move to interfere. Youngwoon took one of Jungsoo’s hands in his, gently running his thumb over the back of Jungsoo’s hand.

“You’re okay, right?” Youngwoon asked in a quiet voice, a gentle voice, the kind of voice that he so rarely used when cameras were around.

“Fine, I’m fine.” Jungsoo nodded without looking at him. “Thank you. For stepping in.”

“Of course.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes, in the quiet, now empty living room. Jungsoo tried to regulate his breathing, but as he felt Youngwoon’s presence next to him and remembered the manager’s words, he felt tears start to run down his cheeks. He reached up to brush them away, and Youngwoon caught one of his hands in his own.

“Jungsoo, what’s wrong?”

“I--” Jungsoo swallowed. “I just. I need to tell you something. But I’m scared it will change the way you think of me.”

Youngwoon ran his fingers over Jungsoo’s cheek. “Never. You can tell me anything, Jungsoo. You know that.”

Jungsoo nodded. “Not here.”

Youngwoon blinked, but without hesitation, he took Jungsoo’s hand and led him back to Jungsoo’s bedroom. He sat down on Jungsoo’s bed, pulling the elder with him. Jungsoo felt his heart beating in his chest, but he knew he had to tell him. He couldn’t just make up something else to tell him, it had to be this. Because if what their manager was accusing Youngwoon of was true, Youngwoon needed to know.

“I don’t feel like a beta.” Jungsoo brought his legs up onto the bed, curling into himself as he fidgeted with his fingers. “I mean, I know that my body is a beta body, but in my head, I feel like--” He swallowed. “I feel like an omega.” He waited for Youngwoon to say anything, but when no comment came, he continued. “I can’t really explain it, but ever since I was a little kid, you know, I just felt it. I wanted to be treated like an omega, I wanted to marry an alpha, I wanted to have--” He took a deep breath. “I want to be a mother.”

Youngwoon nodded. “I figured there was something like that.” Jungsoo looked up at him, meeting his eyes. “You’ve always seemed more like an omega than a beta. In the way you act, the way you treat people. It’s just obvious.” He brought his fingers up to trace along Jungsoo’s cheek. “The only men I’m attracted to are omegas. And I’m attracted to you.”

Jungsoo felt his heart beating fast. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t attracted to Youngwoon, if he hadn’t imagined how it would feel to kiss him and hold him and take his knot and be _his_ omega. Youngwoon had always been there for him, being the force behind him when all Jungsoo was was devotion. Jungsoo couldn’t think of anyone else in the world he would rather have. Jungsoo leant forward hesitantly, closed his eyes, and waited.

Youngwoon’s lips touched his, and Jungsoo felt warmth bloom in his chest. He let Youngwoon press him back into the bed, and he let Youngwoon undress him, the promise of the words “my omega” whispered in his ear. Youngwoon kissed against his neck, over his shoulder and his pecs and treated every part of him with love and care. It was everything Jungsoo could have ever wanted, more. He would give every piece of himself to Youngwoon if it meant that he could have him forever, for a few years, a few months, even just a few days. Jungsoo needed him.

Jungsoo bit his lip and nearly cried as Youngwoon’s fingers entered him--not because it hurt, it was uncomfortable, certainly, feeling the fingers stretch him open and push the lube deeper inside him, but it didn’t hurt--but because Youngwoon was so caring, so careful, so quick to whisper reassuring words at any sign of pain. Jungsoo found Youngwoon’s other hand, the one that had been gripping his waist, and entangled their fingers so that Jungsoo could squeeze Youngwoon’s fingers through every wave of discomfort.

When Youngwoon finally pushed into him, Jungsoo kissed him like he’d never kissed anyone before and prayed that Youngwoon could feel an ounce of the affection buried inside. It hurt, of course it did, but Jungsoo trusted Youngwoon. He’d trust him with everything he had.

“I mean it,” Youngwoon whispered when it was over, when he was knotted in him and holding him close, “I’ll be your alpha. If you’ll let me.”

“Of course,” Jungsoo said softly. “Of course.”

Youngwoon never was good with words, but Jungsoo knew him well enough to know that he was promising him as much as he could give. He would protect Jungsoo. His omega. His omega. Jungsoo was _his omega_.

Youngwoon left him when the knot went down, because they had to be in their own beds in the morning when the managers came to wake them up and drag them to the next day of schedules. In the darkness of his room, Jungsoo let tears fall down his cheeks and onto his pillow.

Youngwoon believed, no, _knew_ , that Jungsoo was an omega.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for how long this one took. School got a bit crazy. I hope you all enjoy reading this part, and I'll try to be a bit quicker with getting the final chapter up.

“Hmm, not the worst color I’ve ever worn,” Jungsoo says as he looks at his reflection in the dressing room mirror. The lipstick they’ve chosen for him is a purposefully outlandish color of purple, and Jungsoo can hear both the stylists and the other guests that they’ve put in the same dressing room laughing at his comment.

“At least you don’t have to wear another maid costume,” one of the guests comments. “I don’t know what it is with variety shows nowadays making alpha and beta men crossdress so much, but you do seem to be one of the favorite targets.”

Jungsoo still feels the words like a little attack on his heart, even all these years after he should’ve gotten used to them. So casual, so poignant. Not meant to do any harm, but they hurt all the same when you don’t want to hear them.

“Ten years ago they only made the omegas crossdress,” another guest comments, as casually as the first, while scrolling through comments on his phone. “That seemed a bit more natural.”

One of the younger guests, a girl group member that seems to be nervously checking her phone in the corner after having her own make-up and hair done, finally looks up to comment. “Leeteuk Sunbae-nim almost has more of an omega energy though, doesn’t he?” Jungsoo turns his head to look at her, and when his eyes meet hers, she immediately looks down.

“Hey, don’t be rude to your seniors,” the first guest says, turning his head to look at the girl. “Just because he’s not an alpha, that doesn’t make him like an omega.”

The other guest chimes in without looking up from his phone. “This is why you can’t invite newer idols on shows without their groups, they just don’t know when to shut up.”

The girl bites her lip. She’s fidgeting with the hem of her skirt, and Jungsoo can see, even from across the room, that she’s close to tears. “I didn’t mean it like that, I just--”

“It’s fine,” Jungsoo interrupts her, trying to make his voice as calming as possible. “I don’t mind.” He can’t admit it, at least not to this room of people, but what she said makes him feel better, makes him feel a little less like his feelings, his identity, are only in his mind instead of being an inseparable part of him. He checks his watch, and, seeing that they still have twenty minutes before they’re supposed to be ready to shoot, walks over to her side of the dressing room. “Would you like to walk around for a bit?” He asks, just softly enough for the rest of the room not to hear.

She looks at him, gives half of a nervous nod, and then follows Jungsoo out of the dressing room and down the studio hallway. “I’m sorry, really,” she starts to say once they’re out of earshot of the dressing room and most of the various technicians and managers walking by.

“Don’t be, it’s fine, really,” Jungsoo says. “I just wanted to ask you something. It’s about what you said, but I’m not offended.” He looks at her, taking a quick look at the way the show has chosen to style her and catching her scent in the air. “What subgender are you?”

“I’m an omega,” she replies, crinkling her eyebrows. He should already know that, he can tell that’s what she’s thinking. It’s in her scent, as clear as day. “Is that what you wanted to ask me?”

He smiles. “Part of it.” He looks out one of the windows in the little back hallway that they find themselves in, overlooking the busy city and all of the people going about their lives. “What made you say that I have an omega energy?”

She looks up at him and bites her lip. “You just, do, I guess. The way you interact with people, especially alphas, it seems a lot more like how I would, or how most other omegas would, than how I’ve seen betas do it. You fit more easily into more feminine roles, the ones that they usually make submissive types do.” She pauses. “If I didn’t know you were a beta, I probably would think you’re an omega.”

He smiles at her. It’s not the first time he’s heard something like that, most of his own members had said something similar when he’d told them, but it always makes him feel just a bit better to hear it again. Even from, perhaps especially from, someone he barely knows. “One of my Super Junior members told me once that omegas can always recognize other omegas.”

She wrinkles her eyebrows in confusion. “What are you-- Are you on suppressants? Did your company want you to seem like a beta or something?”

He almost laughs at that. “No, it’s more complicated than that,” he responds. No one ever assumes that someone could _want_ to be something other than their biology. They’ll come up with a thousand other explanations for what he tells them, and they’ll never guess correctly. Better to let them assume, he supposes. “Listen, you can’t tell anyone else about this, alright?”

“Of course,” she replies. “Your secret is safe with me. Omegas stick together, right?”

“Of course. Thank you,” he says, checking his watch and preparing to walk back to the dressing room. “All of my members know, though, if you ever meet them.”

As he turns to walk back, she asks another question. “One last thing. If you’re an omega, but everyone thinks you’re a beta, have you ever had to kiss, or, well, do something intimate with another omega when you didn’t want to?”

“Of course,” Jungsoo says. “But it’s not because of the reason you’re thinking of.”

 

\-----

 

The yelling wouldn’t stop. Even with everything that had gone wrong in the past year--Kibum, Hangeng, Youngwoon--the dorm had usually remained quiet--well, “Super Junior quiet”--after they got back from schedules. These past two weeks had changed that. None of them were really sure why it had started, but in less than a day Jongwoon and Ryeowook had gone from being inseparable and in love to constantly yelling at each other and refusing to be in the same room unless physically forced. Tiredness wouldn’t stop them, hunger only made it worse, and trying to step in--as Kyuhyun and Sungmin had attempted to do numerous times throughout the past few weeks--only ended with someone getting scratch marks up and down their arms as Ryeowook tried to get them to let go.

Jungsoo had his earbuds in, music playing at a level he knew was unhealthy for his ears. He could still hear the noise of Ryeowook and Jongwoon yelling from down the hallway, but it was at the edge of his awareness now instead of at the center. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and tried to get himself into the mindset that would allow him to sleep, no matter how long it took for Ryeowook and Jongwoon to grow quiet.

The sound of a door slamming echoed through the apartment, knocking Jungsoo out of whatever peace he had managed to attain. He tugged his earbuds out, worried that he might have to go interfere, no matter what it would mean for his own wellbeing. Everything was quiet for a minute after the slam, even the normal sounds of the dorm extinguished as if everyone was holding their breath simultaneously.

Jungsoo heard a knock on his door after a minute. “Come in,” he said, not knowing whether it would be Jongwoon or Ryeowook or one of the other members. He would just have to deal with whoever it was.

The door opened just enough for Ryeowook to slip inside the room, closing it behind him immediately after. “Umma,” he said, voice trembling. Ryeowook had tear streaks on his face, and Jungsoo could see that the stress of the last few weeks had been getting to Ryeowook in other ways--the pajamas that he’d worn for years around the dorm were noticeably looser.

Jungsoo opened his arms, and Ryeowook walked over to bury himself in the hug that Jungsoo offered. “Just let it out,” Jungsoo said, running a hand through Ryeowook’s hair. “We’ve all been so worried.”

Ryeowook cried into Jungsoo’s shoulder. “He doesn’t love me,” Ryeowook said between strained breaths. “He never loved me. Four and a half years and he never--”

Jungsoo took a deep breath as Ryeowook cut himself off. Everytime Jungsoo had seen Jongwoon look at Ryeowook in the past few years--when the cameras were off, at least--he’d seen nothing short of admiration and wonder in Jongwoon’s eyes. Jongwoon would never ignore Ryeowook, even on the days where he had to be dragged out of bed and blocked out any words that anyone other than Ryeowook said to him. Jongwoon protected Ryeowook from any danger that came their way, real or imagined.  There was no way Jongwoon didn’t love Ryeowook with everything he had. “What do you mean, Wookie?”

Ryeowook took a deep breath, trying to wipe away the tears and sniffles. “He was on a radio show and he said that he didn’t understand why anyone would want to marry an omega male.” He bit his lip. “I know we all have to say things we don’t mean sometimes, but it’s not the first time he’s said something like that. He’s even specifically said he doesn’t know why people think that he and I would be good together.” He shook his head. “It just gets to me. I don’t know how many more times I can listen to him say things like that and then have him try to explain it to me when he comes home.”

“Have you asked him not to say things like that?” Jungsoo tried to reason with him. He could see Ryeowook’s point, could even empathize with him, but he needed to make sure that the younger wasn’t overreacting. Ryeowook was sensitive, emotionally, and his temper ran high. “He loves you, we all know he does. I’m sure if you asked him--”

“I did ask him,” Ryeowook cut him off, a biting tone to his words. “I asked him months ago, and he said he wouldn’t do it again. But here we are.”

Jungsoo didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t say Ryeowook didn’t have reason to be angry, but he also didn’t want to say anything that would drive Ryeowook and Jongwoon further apart. “He still loves you though. I think you can resolve it if you try to talk to him about it.”

“I’ve tried. Everyday. But he just gets mad at me like it’s my fault for bringing it up.” Ryeowook took a deep, staggering breath, like he was trying to simultaneously hold everything in and let everything out. “He got so mad tonight that he told me to my face that he only wanted me for my body.”

Jungsoo blinked. That’s not the Jongwoon he knew. Jongwoon was sensitive, yes, and his anger ran just as high as Ryeowook’s. But Jongwoon would never say something like that to Ryeowook. Ryeowook was too precious to him--at least, Jungsoo hoped he was--for Jongwoon to ever do something like that. If the alpha had really gotten angry enough to say that, if their relationship had degraded that much, then maybe there really was no saving it.

“I’m so sorry,” Jungsoo said, pulling Ryeowook’s head to rest on his shoulder again. “You deserve so much more than that.”

“Umma,” Ryeowook murmured.

“Yes?”

“Kiss me. Please. I want him off my lips.”

Jungsoo swallowed. “Ryeowook, that’s not a good idea. If you get back together with him in a few weeks, you’re going to regret it.” _And what about me?_ He didn’t bother saying. _What about Youngwoon? What about this illusion, this game where we pretend that I’m enough of an omega, enough of a role model to be like your mother?_

“I don’t care,” Ryeowook replied. “After what he did, he doesn’t deserve to be the only man I’ve ever kissed. He doesn’t deserve to be my everything.”

Jungsoo took a deep breath. “Fine.” Youngwoon would forgive him for it. Youngwoon didn’t have the grounds to deny him anything, not after what had happened. And besides, alphas always joke about how it doesn’t count as cheating if it’s two omegas.

Ryeowook lifted his head off of Jungsoo’s shoulder and looked him straight in the eyes before he let his own eyes slide shut. With the remains of whatever hesitance and guilt Jungsoo’s brain could conjure up, he leaned forward to kiss Ryeowook.

Jungsoo had never kissed an omega before, except for the joke kisses that Heechul had given to most of the members of the group at some point or another. It was different from kissing an alpha, or from kissing a girl--he couldn’t say it was better, or that he was attracted to Ryeowook, but Ryeowook kissed him with such passion, with such desperation, that Jungsoo couldn’t help but kiss back.

One of Ryeowook’s hands crept up Jungsoo’s back, under his shirt, while the other moved lower, to touch the waist of Jungsoo’s sleep shorts. Jungsoo moved away sharply at Ryeowook’s touch. “Wookie, what are you--”

“Please.”

Jungsoo looked into Ryeowook’s eyes, and he saw the sadness and desperation and didn’t have the heart to deny him. No matter how far it went. He would regret it in the morning anyway.

Jungsoo pushed Ryeowook back into the bed, and after locking eyes with Ryeowook in a silent question, began to pull at the waist of Ryeowook’s pajama pants. He kissed him again, and again, on his lips and around his face and down his neck and touching as many places as his lips could reach. Ryeowook moaned at the touches, but Jungsoo could still hear the pain, the crying behind them. This was a bad idea, but they were going to keep going. They’d come this far, and if Ryeowook wanted him to take him, to make him something over than Jongwoon’s, then Jungsoo would do it. Even if it would hurt them both.

Jungsoo held Ryeowook close as he thrusted into him, breathing deeply into Ryeowook’s neck in an attempt to mask the hurt that was struggling to make it’s way up his throat. He wasn’t sure which hurt it was--Youngwoon, the group, having to play a dominant role in this, or maybe just the hurt that he could feel radiating off of Ryeowook. It hurt, in his heart and his lungs and across his chest with every thrust, even as Ryeowook wrapped his legs and arms around him and whispered, “I’m sorry, Umma, I’m so sorry.”

When it was over, when Jungsoo started to feel the guilt eating away at him and curled into himself, he heard Ryeowook slowly get up and pull his clothes back on. “I--thank you. I’ll go sleep in Kyuhyun and Sungmin’s room. I’m sure Sungmin won’t mind me being clingy.” Ryeowook edged his way off the bed and started to walk towards the door.

“Ryeowook,” Jungsoo sat up and reached out to lay a hand on Ryeowook’s arm. “You don’t have to leave. It’s okay if you want to stay here.”

“No, I should go. Really.” Ryeowook broke away from Jungsoo’s grip. “I’ve already made enough mistakes tonight.”

Jungsoo watched Ryeowook go and tried not to feel his heart breaking for the way that Ryeowook hid the tears that still lingered on his cheeks.

 

\-----

 

Ryeowook and Zhoumi have some kind of secret language that only the two of them understand. Not a literal language, of course, nor the kind of mismatched, bad grammar, random hand gestures “language” that Heechul and Hangeng used to communicate for the first few years after Hangeng came to Korea. Ryeowook and Zhoumi just seem to understand each other in a way that Jungsoo can’t quite unravel.

Ryeowook sips on his cup of tea, raising an eyebrow at Zhoumi, who takes a sip of his own glass of champagne. Zhoumi is one of the only people that Jungsoo knows who can drink champagne at half past noon and not look like a fancy alcoholic.

“So,” Zhoumi says, and Jungsoo hates the way that Zhoumi’s fluent enough in Korean to leave dramatic pauses in the right places, “how have all of the members been? I haven’t been able to see anyone but you two or Henry in the past few months.”

“Heechul’s fine,” Jungsoo says, setting his own cup of coffee down on the table. “I suppose you’ve heard about him from Hangeng, though.” It’s a given that Zhoumi has talked to Hangeng, even if he doesn’t mention his name.

“He didn’t say much about him, actually,” Zhoumi replies. “They’ve been talking less in the past year or two.” He swirls his glass, making the bubbles rise to the surface. “Heechul must feel awkward now that Hangeng has a girlfriend.”

Ryeowook sighs. “Heechul’s not that good at letting go. And besides, it’s hard for anyone to let go of someone who you thought was your forever.”

Jungsoo tries not to read too much into that. “Ryeowook,” he says, very obviously trying to change the subject, “have you talked to your parents about your situation?”

“Yes,” Ryeowook says, crossing one of his legs over his knee. “We had a big awkward dinner with all of our parents and told them everything and then sat through the awkward silence while they processed everything. But they were okay with it, in the end, because Kyuhyun’s parents love him too much to deny him anything and that kind of encouraged the other parents to be supportive. Supportive enough, at least. We’ve started planning for the wedding.”

Jungsoo smiles, turning to Zhoumi. “Our baby is finally getting married. I feel old.”

Zhoumi laughs. “The first and only one of the four of us,” he says, taking another sip of his champagne.

“Don’t say that yet, Mimi,” Ryeowook says. “You could still get married.”

Zhoumi leans back in his seat and takes a long sip of his champagne, nearly downing the rest of the glass. “No one wants an omega my height. Personality, fame, wealth, all those things don’t matter for omegas when you’re not the right body type.” He laughs. “I talk to Zitao about it sometimes, when we’re both free. He understands best, I think.”

Jungsoo sighs. “You shouldn’t think about it like that, I’m sure there’s someone--”

“It’s the truth, isn’t it?” Zhoumi laughs bitterly. Jungsoo can feel those words eating away at his own heart just as much as they must be eating away at Zhoumi’s. “We all try to change the truth, but we can’t. The world won’t let us.”

Silence follows, and the music from the café and the sound of the traffic outside do nothing to help make it less awkward. He’s right after all, as much as Jungsoo wants to deny it, wants to claim that there’s something they could do to change it all. But they can’t, not any of them on their own and not even all of them together, not when everything in their society--societies--was telling them that they were wrong.

Ryeowook cleared his throat loudly. “I went to visit Youngwoon recently.” Jungsoo’s eyes snapped to him. He hadn’t talked to Youngwoon in what felt like forever, even though he knows he should have. It’s his responsibility, after all, even putting his own feelings aside. “He’s doing alright. He said that he misses everyone.” Ryeowook’s eyes linger on Jungsoo.

“I should see him soon. I haven’t talked to him in,” Jungsoo tries not to count the days, the weeks, the months, how it’s nearly been a year since he’s been in a room with the alpha, “in a while.”

“You should,” Ryeowook says. “He seems lonely without you.”

Jungsoo swallows, glancing out the window of the café and trying not to imagine in all too-vivid detail what Youngwoon must be like without him. What an existence it must be, Jungsoo can almost imagine it, that it must be like his own--lonely apartment, cold nights, the hurt and the wondering that only comes at half past three in the morning--but worse because Jungsoo has his work to distract him, he has Heechul to force him to get out of his head. Youngwoon doesn’t have that. He knows he shouldn’t feel bad for Youngwoon, not after what happened, after what Youngwoon _said,_ but sometimes he feels that it doesn’t matter. That he’d take him back in a moment, whether he apologized or not. Jungsoo needs him. Jungsoo needs him.

The muted sounds of a metallic guitar solo bring him out of his thoughts. He reaches down to his pocket to find his phone, at the same time that Zhoumi looks at him and asks, with a knowing look in his eye, “Heechul?”

 

\-----

 

“Jungsoo, I’m sorry--”

“I don’t want to hear it,” Jungsoo said, not looking up from the book that he was pretending to read. “Leave me alone.”

“No. We need to talk.” Heechul closed the door behind himself. “Not about what happened today, because we both know that that was just pent up anger. What we need to talk about it is what caused that anger.”

“And what do you think that is?” Jungsoo still didn’t look up from his book, even as Heechul came to sit on the edge of his bed.

“Pain.” Heechul looked him in the eyes and plucked the book away from him. “You’re in pain, Jungsoo, and so am I.” Jungsoo stared at him. He could see it in Heechul’s eyes, the pain and the sadness and the anger, and knew that Heechul must see it reflected back in Jungsoo’s own eyes. “Youngwoon’s gone and you’re hurting. Because you need him. But I’m hurting too. Hangeng was the only person who’s ever made me feel like an omega, like I could be that vulnerable and not feel like I was giving up some part of myself, and now he’s gone. I’ll never have him back the way I used to have him.”

“I know what you mean,” Jungsoo said, “I think.” He took a deep breath. “Youngwoon made me feel like an omega too.”

He’d never told Heechul before, barely even suggested it, even though he knew Heechul was likely to be more sympathetic than most people. Heechul had never seemed happy as an omega--he expressed attraction to both men and women, and despite his feminine appearance his masculine personality was enough to make people question whether they’d smelled his subgender correctly. Jungsoo didn’t want to say that Heechul was like him, that he rejected his identity completely, but he knew that Heechul didn’t accept it completely either.

Heechul blinked. “Is that how you want to feel?”

“Yes,” Jungsoo said, and hoped that Heechul understood. “More than anything.” He bit his lip. “How do you want to feel?”

Heechul took a deep breath and looked away. “I don’t know. It changes. With Hangeng I felt like an omega and with other people,” he paused, looking out the window to the lights of the city in the night sky, “I don’t know if I feel comfortable in an omega role. Being an omega is a lack of power, and I’m bad at not having power.”

Jungsoo can’t help but laugh, both at Heechul’s admission of his own hunger for power and the irony that Jungsoo would want to become someone with no power. Jungsoo wasn’t narcississtic enough to say that being the leader was like carrying the weight of the world, but sometimes, on days when the members were yelling at each other and nothing was going right, it felt like it. Jungsoo was never made to have to carry that amount of responsibility, but Heechul wasn’t either.

“Kiss me,” Jungsoo said. He didn’t know why he said it, he just did. Maybe Ryeowook had screwed with his mind enough for this to seem okay. “Let me be your omega. Just for tonight.”

Heechul looked back at him, his eyes darkening as they slid down from Jungsoo’s face over his neck and downward. Heechul leaned forward, claiming Jungsoo’s lips in an aggressive kiss, more passionate and intense than the ones Jungsoo had shared with Ryeowook, or even many of those he’d shared with Youngwoon. It was purposeful, unloving, wanting only to bury the pain and the discomfort in the feeling of arousal. Jungsoo wasn’t aroused by omegas, but Heechul didn’t kiss like an omega. Heechul kissed like he wanted to take every part of him.

Heechul pulled at Jungsoo’s sleep shirt, revealing the toned abs and shoulders that Jungsoo had developed for their performances. Heechul’s fingers ghosted along Jungsoo’s abs, touching the defined muscle and making Jungsoo shiver at how Heechul could be simultaneously so straightforward and so hesitant, so teasing.

“I’m not going to be gentle.” Heechul’s fingers reached lower, pulling at the waist of Jungsoo’s sleep shorts. “If that’s not okay, then you need to tell me to stop now.”

Jungsoo shook his head. “No, I want that.”

Heechul’s eyes darkened again at Jungsoo’s response, and he flipped Jungsoo over, pushing Jungsoo into the bed and leaving only his ass exposed. “If you want to be treated like an omega, then I’ll treat you like an omega. I’ll treat you the way that alphas treat omegas when they don’t give a fuck and only want to get off.” He brought his lips closer to Jungsoo’s ear. “That’s how it first happened for me, you know? Pretty boy omega like me, he told me it was what I was made for.”

His fingers brushed over Jungsoo’s ass, briefly squeezing the flesh and muscle before moving on to press against Jungsoo’s hole. He managed to push a finger in, even without lube, and Jungsoo moaned into the bed in discomfort. “You really are making this hard for me, aren’t you?” He pulled his finger out. “Can’t even lubricate himself correctly. What a fucking pathetic omega.”

Jungsoo nearly sobbed at that. It was true though, it was true and there was nothing Jungsoo could do to deny it. If he was an omega, he was a dysfunctional one at best. His body didn’t work correctly, he got so angry sometimes even if he tried his best not to show it, he didn’t deserve the respect that Ryeowook and the other members gave him. How the hell had he made Youngwoon fall for him? Had he, really? What if Youngwoon was just pretending and when he came back from his service he’d leave Jungsoo like Jungsoo deserved?

Heechul’s finger returned, now wet from the lube that he’d pulled from the drawer next to Jungsoo’s bed. Jungsoo closed his eyes and bit his lip as Heechul pushed in a second finger beside the first, scissoring them apart and preparing him as quickly and sloppily as possible. Jungsoo didn’t deserve anymore than that, Heechul had made that much clear already.

When Heechul pulled his fingers out, he leaned forward to place his lips at Jungsoo’s ear. “Are you sure about this?”

“I’m sure.” Jungsoo could feel the head of Heechul’s cock brushing against his hole, teasing him.

“Tell me if anything actually hurts,” Heechul said, and then he pushed in.

Jungsoo bit his lip. Youngwoon was the only person he’d ever had inside him before, and there was something about the way that Heechul felt so different and simultaneously so similar that almost made his heart hurt, would have made him regret it if he hadn’t already weighed everything in his mind the moment Heechul’s eyes had swept over his body with lust. He wanted Youngwoon, he wanted to feel Youngwoon’s arms around him and feel like he was safe and like the world could never hurt them. But that wasn’t true, and Youngwoon wasn’t with him now, and Heechul was only what he deserved.

When Heechul left him, half an hour later, after it was over and they’d cleaned up and Heechul had sent him an apologetic look that held just a little too much affection, the first of many looks that Jungsoo would ignore the meaning of, Jungsoo knew that things would never really be the same.

 

\-----

 

“Fucking finally,” Hyukjae says after Ryeowook shows him the engagement ring that Jongwoon and Kyuhyun bought for him earlier in the week. “Do you know how many years the rest of us have been waiting for you to marry one of them?”

Ryeowook opens his mouth to retort, but Donghae beats him to it. “Seriously, I don’t even drink but watching you three for the past twelve years nearly drove me to drink.”

“Says the person who keeps on breaking up with his boyfriend every six months only to get back together a month later,” Kyuhyun comments, taking a sip from his overly-full wine glass.

“Listen,” Hyukjae says, “we have our reasons.”

“Of course you do,” Kyuhyun replies, staring down both betas. “Having one functioning braincell between the two of you must be exhuasting.”

“Don’t be so mean to them,” Sungmin comments from across the table. “They were born this way.”

Jungsoo tries to muffle his laughter under his breath, but he knows it doesn’t work. At least Ryeowook is laughing too, from where’s he’s sitting between Kyuhyun and Jongwoon and sipping his tea from a wineglass.

“What’s happening?” Siwon asks, looking between the laughing duo as he walks over to the table to pick up another set of dirty plates to carry back to his kitchen.

Jongwoon looks up from his phone. “Donghae and Hyukjae are being idiots.”

 _"Donghae and Hyukjae are being idiots_ ,” Hyukjae parrots back at him in his impression of Jongwoon’s voice. Jongwoon almost looks like he’s about to start arguing with him, but Ryeowook’s hand on his arm restrains him.

“Alright,” Siwon says, ignoring Hyukjae’s impression. “So nothing out of the normal, then.”

“Basically,” Heechul replies, sighing into his own glass of wine.

“Fair enough.” Siwon starts to walk out of the room again, dirty plates balanced in a way that only Siwon could manage to make elegant. “I’m going to go ahead and start washing some of these. You can put some music on if you want while I’m busy.”

Hyukjae smiles mischeviously, moving over to look at the collection of records that Siwon has carefully organized in a shelf near the couch. “How about something classic?”

“You know classical music?” Kyuhyun looks at him sceptically.

Hyukjae sends him an exasperated look. “I said classic, not classical.” He begins to parse through the records, before pulling one out and moving over to set it up on the record player. Jongwoon walks over to help him set it up, and the first notes of a slow song--something too old and too western for Jungsoo to recognize--start to play.

Hyukjae turns back to the table, extending a hand to Donghae, and with a laugh, Donghae walks over to join him in the empty area between the dining table and the couch. He wraps his arms around the other beta’s shoulders, and Hyukjae plants a kiss on his cheek before wrapping his arms around Donghae’s waist.

Jungsoo smiles at how happy they look together, his smile widening as he watches Jongwoon walk back to the table, nodding at Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun takes one of Ryeowook’s hands, pulling him to dance as well, even as Ryeowook flushes red at the cheesiness of it all.

They all look so happy, like this is how it’s supposed to be. And maybe it is. But it still doesn’t feel complete. Even with three others at the table, just as excluded from this moment as he is, he feels isolated. Because Youngwoon is too cheesy, too much of a romantic, to ever pass up a moment like this. If he were here, he would’ve pulled Jungsoo to his feet, even through Jungsoo’s protests, and he would’ve kissed him in front of the whole group, even though Jungsoo would pretend to hate it. Youngwoon would have, when they were younger and naïve and hadn’t yet made so many mistakes.

Jungsoo looks up at the tap on his shoulder, seeing Siwon beside him. “May I?” Siwon asks, holding out his hand to him, and Jungsoo hesitantly accepts.

“Shouldn’t you have asked Heechul?” Jungsoo murmurs in Siwon’s ear as Siwon pulls him to dance.

“He wouldn’t want me to,” Siwon replies. “And besides, it’s only fair that omegas get asked to dance.”

Jungsoo doesn’t blush at the implication anymore, not like he would when he was younger, back when he first told the group. It’s not the first time that Siwon has done something similar--he was almost afraid, before he told them, that Siwon would be the one out of them least able to understand, but Siwon has been nothing but kind in all the years since.

“Still,” Jungsoo says, “you didn’t need to. I was fine not dancing.”

Siwon is silent for a moment, as they sway to the music. His eyes flit across Jungsoo’s face like he’s analyzing him. “You wish you were dancing with Youngwoon, I know. But it’s better to be dancing with me than to be dancing with no one. You shouldn’t shut yourself off, Hyung.”

“I don’t,” Jungsoo replies, sending a careful look Heechul’s way. Heechul is watching them, his eyes following every footstep, every sway, every move of Siwon’s hand across Jungsoo’s lower back. Jungsoo moves his gaze back to Siwon. “I’m not alone, I swear.”

“Aren’t you, though?” Siwon’s voice is quiet, so quiet that Jungsoo has to struggle to hear him over the music. “We worry about you, you know. Heechul especially.”

Jungsoo swallows, looking down at his own feet. “He doesn’t need to worry.”

“Listen, Hyung,” Siwon says, “we all know that out of all the people in this room, Heechul is the one that knows you the best. When he tells me that he’s worried about you, that makes me think that I should be too. He understands you too well for whatever lies you tell the rest of us to be able to convince him.”

Jungsoo doesn’t reply. As the music fades out, Siwon excuses himself to go help Hyukjae pick the next song. As they’re switching the records out, Heechul comes to stand beside him.

“Any chance I could steal you away from the horse?” Heechul says, a joking smile in his eyes as he puts a hand on Jungsoo’s waist. “I promise I won’t weigh you down with whatever he was talking about.”

“How could you tell?”

“That he was saying something that upset you?” Heechul puts his other hand on Jungsoo’s other hip as the next song starts. “It was written all over your face.”

Jungsoo chuckles, wrapping his arms around Heechul’s neck and leaning his head forward to rest on Heechul’s shoulder. Heechul’s hands wrap tighter around his back at the motion. “You know me well.”

“How could I not know you well, Jungsoo?” Heechul looks at him with one of those looks that Jungsoo always ignores, the one that’s just a little too close to affection to be safe. “We omegas have to stick together, don’t we?”

“Through anything,” Jungsoo murmurs, even though he can’t help but feel that Heechul means something more than Jungsoo can give him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the final part. I hope you all enjoy.

“And, let’s take a break for a few minutes. Eunhyuk, get your foundation touched up. Everyone else, there’s some coffee waiting if you need it. Yes, Yesung, I’m looking at you.”

Jungsoo sighed and walked away from the set as the producer pointed out, with quick, striking clarity, who among them wasn’t energetic enough today. He couldn’t blame Jongwoon, though, now that his natural insomnia no longer had Ryeowook to dampen it. Jungsoo barely slept either, anymore, and he had someone to sleep beside him.

Jungsoo leaned against a wall, picking up the script that they were going through for that day again. He scanned through the list of activities--mostly games, with a few more serious segments mixed in--and his eyes landed on one of the game descriptions.

He sighed as Youngwoon looked at the list over his shoulder, leaning too close to Jungsoo than they really should be doing outside of the dorm, but the cameras were off for now. Jungsoo pointed at the short paragraph of text. “Do you think it’s worth asking them to change the team arrangements?”

“ _The teams will be arranged alphas versus betas, with Ryeowook and one beta sitting out to judge_ ,” Youngwoon read. He looked up, raising an eyebrow. “Couldn’t you just ask specifically to sit out and help Ryeowook? It’s less messy than trying to switch the teams around all together.”

“True,” Jungsoo mused, still staring at the sheet. “I guess I should be glad Heechul’s not here.”

“He’d take your spot, would he?” Youngwoon smiled teasingly.

“More like they’d just find an even more contrived way to divide up teams by subgender,” Jungsoo replied, an equally teasing smile arising as much as he tried to suppress it. “Really, this group would be much easier to divide up that way if they’d just group me with the omegas.”

“More balanced?”

“Exactly.”

Youngwoon chuckled. “Then again, if Heechul was here, I can imagine the two of you leading a revolution against the idea of dividing by subgender altogether.”

Jungsoo bit his lip, looking around the room to make sure they weren’t being watched too closely by any of the staff, before he turned and began to laugh quietly into Youngwoon’s shoulder. “Now what would give you that impression?” He asked between breaths.

“Between your frustration and Heechul’s ability to actually get angry without feeling guilty,” Youngwoon said, “I have a feeling you could actually get somewhere. You could intimidate a few producers and managers, at least.”

“You mean Heechul could intimidate them and I could sit there and watch him,” Jungsoo commented, still laughing. “I don’t think I’d be able to join in too much.”

“Maybe not,” Youngwoon said, “but you’d have all of us behind you too.” Jungsoo looked around the room, seeing Donghae leaning on Hyukjae’s shoulder while one of their staff ignored him and brushed more powder onto Hyukjae’s face; seeing Ryeowook chatting with Sungmin while Kyuhyun wrapped an arm Ryeowook’s waist; seeing the way that Donghee and Siwon were trying to cheer Jongwoon up. This was his family. As messed up as they were, they were his family. And Jungsoo hoped--with every cell in his being--that they would understand if they knew. But they didn’t know, most of them. And that meant a million uncertainties in every moment, in every action, in every word.

“You don’t know that.”

“Of course I do.”

“If they knew.” Jungsoo paused, lowering his voice. “They’d defend me now, but if they knew--”

“They still would.” Youngwoon insisted. “You should tell them. Later. After all the staff is gone.”

Jungsoo looked into his eyes, his alpha’s eyes, and he tried to push down all of the worry and anxiety and breathe out something that resembled confidence. “I will. Tonight.”

They returned to filming a few minutes later, and Jungsoo tried to push down any anxiety that was still showing through. Youngwoon would be with him, through everything, and Ryeowook, and Heechul too, if he were here. Jungsoo may not have known about the others, not yet, but he tried to let Youngwoon’s words reassure him, and he tried to think of only the best outcomes. They’d all accepted Donghae and Hyukjae’s two beta relationship, they’d all accepted Youngwoon and Jungsoo as an alpha and a beta, they’d accepted Heechul’s bisexuality, they’d accepted so many things that would make them outcasts anywhere else. What was one more thing on top of all that?

Jungsoo sat on the hotel bed, all of his members scattered around the room while the stars and lights of the city came through the windows, and tried to convince himself that this was worth it. He looked into Youngwoon’s eyes and he knew that he couldn’t try to hide any longer. Not from them.

Ryeowook was the first to wrap his arms around him, after he choked the words out, but the others all followed moments after. Jungsoo choked out sighs of relief as he felt them whisper into his skin that they understood, that they supported him, that they’d known even before he told them.

Jungsoo sat, with his alpha beside him, wrapped in his family’s arms, and tried to ignore the way that Heechul’s abscence carved at his chest the same way that Youngwoon’s did a year and a half before.

 

\-----

 

“Kyuhyun sent me another photo of suits they’re considering for the wedding. Like damn, it’s a suit, not a wedding dress,” Heechul sets his phone down on Jungsoo’s kitchen counter. “What do they think I am, their personal fashion advisor?”

Jungsoo laughs under his breath. “They could at least asked Zhoumi instead, that’s what you mean, right?”

Heechul hums his agreement. “They’re trying to find a white suit for Ryeowook. Do you think I should tell them to get him red instead? White wouldn’t suit him.”

“Blue for Ryeowook. Or purple.”

“Purple it is then.” Heechul types out a message on his phone, every press of the keyboard echoing around the kitchen because Heechul still hasn’t learned how to turn the volume off. “Should I recommend other colors since we’re going non-traditional? It would be odd to have Ryeowook in purple and Jongwoon in black.”

Jungsoo taps on the counter while he watches the noodles boiling. “I’d say green, but I don’t think that would contrast well.”

Heechul bites his lip. “I’m going to tell him pink. Fuck gender stereotypes.”

Jungsoo sighs. “Heechul, this is a wedding, not a performance.”

“Can you think of a better place to make a statement, then? You’re forced to take things at a wedding seriously.”

“Let him decide for himself, Heechul.” Jungsoo looks up from the noodles, watching Heechul tap away while the sun rises and starts to illuminate the sterile white living room on the other side of the counter. “It would be cute, though. Tell Kyuhyun to get blue.”

Heechul looks up, grinning at him. “Perfect. Maybe we should tell everyone to color code things for the baby, too. Blue, pink, and purple.”

Jungsoo looks down and stirs the noodles once again as Heechul begins to talk about more of the texts that Kyuhyun has been sending him. As important as it all is, and as happy as he wants to be for them, there’s some part of him that tunes it all out in favor of watching the bubbles in the water rise to the surface, past all of the noodles in their way, before bursting into the air. Each of the bubbles is a little different than the next, never quite the same size, never moving at quite the same speed. Is it freedom, when they reach the air, or is it tragedy? Each bubble overcame so much to rise to the surface, but that same force popped them, dissolving them into the surrounding air as if they’d never existed in the first place.

“Jungsoo, are you listening to me?”

Jungsoo blinks, turning around to meet Heechul’s eyes. “Of course.”

“No, no, you weren’t.”

Jungsoo takes a deep breath. “It’s nothing, Heechul. I just got a bit unfocused for a few moments.”

“Did you?” Heechul stands up, walking around the counter to stand only centimeters away from Jungsoo, closer than Heechul should ever stand in the mornings. “Are you okay, Jungsoo? Really?”

“I’m fine.” Jungsoo whispers the words, looking Heechul in the eyes and praying that Heechul will take him at his word for once in their lives.

“Tell me.”

Jungsoo blinks, and he finds himself wiping away a teardrop on his cheek he hadn’t even noticed was there. “It’s nothing, I just--”

“It’s not nothing, Jungsoo, stop bullshitting me!” Heechul puts his hand on the counter on either side of Jungsoo, caging him in. “I don’t care about your dignity, or your responsibility, or whatever the fuck you think you’re trying to protect. I’ve seen you at your worst before, at all of your worst moments, and I don’t care. I’m still here. You can trust me, Jungsoo. You can fucking trust me.”

Jungsoo takes a deep breath, avoiding Heechul’s gaze as much as possible. He can feel Heechul’s words on his neck, on his cheek, reaching to his chest like they’d come from inside himself. Heechul always did know to get at him.

“I just--” He takes a deep breath, wiping his cheeks dry. “I want Youngwoon. I want to marry him, and I want to hold our baby when she cries, and I want to watch every moment of our child growing up, the good and the bad. I want to grow old and know that I’ll have my alpha and my child to love me, even when all of this is over.” He shakes his head. “But that’s not possible. It’s not possible, and I shouldn’t even want it, not with Youngwoon, not after--”

“Not after what he said to you,” Heechul finishes, resentment painting his face. “Fuck Youngwoon. He doesn’t deserve you.” Heechul brushes against Jungsoo’s face with the fingers of one hand, his gentle touch such a contrast from the hardness of his voice. “No alpha will ever deserve you, Jungsoo. Alphas don’t know what it means to be an omega. They’ll never experience the hurt, and the disapproval, and the resentment, in the way that we do. They can’t recognize how you’re more of an omega than any other omega I’ve ever met.

“Forget Youngwoon,” Heechul leans in, so close, too close, but Jungsoo doesn’t want to push him away. “You can have the wedding, Jungsoo, and the precious little girl. You can have your happy ending. But not with him.” He kisses Jungsoo then, as the sunrise filters through the curtains. He breaks their only rule. “Marry me, Jungsoo. I don’t care what we have to tell the public, if we have to pretend that I’m the submissive one. I don’t give a fuck. I’ll carry your child, Jungsoo, and when she’s born we’ll tell her to call you Umma and call me Appa. I’ll give you everything you deserve, Jungsoo, even the things you’re too afraid to ask for.” He pauses, and Jungsoo hears his heart beating out of his chest at the same time he feels it breaking. “Marry me, Jungsoo. We’re the only people who’ll ever understand each other like we do.”

Jungsoo tilts his head back, away from Heechul’s gaze, as he feels the tears pooling in his eyes. He wants it, he wants it so badly, everything that Heechul is offering him. No more guilt, no more worry, no more watching the days tick by and feeling like his life is ticking away with it. But in his imagination, he still doesn’t see Heechul. He wants to, he wants so badly to see Heechul beside him, but he can’t. He can’t imagine a little girl with his face and Heechul’s bluntness, he can’t see her running into his arms at the end of a long day, he can’t see her in her teenage years sneaking out to party because she’d be so much more like Heechul than like him. He couldn’t put Heechul through that for the rest of their lives when it’s so clear how much Heechul loves him.

“I can’t, Heechul,” Jungsoo says, trying to push past Heechul. “Not now. Just give me some time to think, and maybe--”

“We don’t have time, Jungsoo,” Heechul grabs his wrist. “Everyday we wait, that reality slips farther away from us. Each year, my chance of carrying a healthy pregnancy falls. If you want to marry me, you need to tell me soon.”

Jungsoo nods, taking a shaky breath. “I’ll tell you in a few weeks, alright? I just need some time to think.”

Heechul lets go of his wrist. “Fine. Take a few weeks. But in two months from now, if you haven’t answered or if you tell me no, then that’s it. I’ll still be your friend, and I’ll still protect you with everything I have, but I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep fucking you and pretending that I feel nothing while doing it. I can’t keep wasting time chasing after you if you’re never going to look at me the same way I look at you.”

Jungsoo nods slowly. “You don’t deserve to have to wait for me.”

“I don’t regret waiting this long. But I can’t wait any longer.”

“I know.” Jungsoo swallows what’s left of his emotions down and puts on his composed face again. “Just a few weeks.”

 

\-----

 

“I’m glad that they’re back together, but I wish they’d told us before instead of just--”

“Admit it, Jungsoo, it was kind of funny to watch the looks on everyone’s face when Jongwoon kissed Ryeowook.” Youngwoon laughed into Jungsoo’s ear, pressing close to his back beneath the blankets. Jungsoo stared into the darkness of the room, looking at the digital alarm clock that blinked back 2:34 at him in an annoyingly bright shade of green.

“They nearly gave me a heart attack, Youngwoon. I thought I would have to keep Kyuhyun from attacking him, do you know how much stress--”

“Relax, Jungsoo.” Jungsoo felt the way that Youngwoon was purposefully slowing his own breath in order to convince Jungsoo to do the same. Youngwoon really did know him too well. “They’re fine. No one’s getting into any fights. KRY all get along again for the first time in four years, and we just get to sit back and enjoy the collective sigh of relief.”

Jungsoo relaxed into his hold, trying to accomplish the impossible task of letting all of his stress go. He couldn’t let it all go, not with everything that had happened in the past year, but he could let the three of them go. “Fine, it was kind of funny.”

“Yeah?”

“But only because Kyuhyun looked more enthusiastic kissing Jongwoon than Ryeowook did kissing either of them.”

Youngwoon laughed, the soft puffs of air on his skin warm against the cold of the room. Jungsoo reached for Youngwoon’s hand, bringing it up to his chest and interweaving their fingers.

“That’s our Ryeowook for you.”

“You’re not going to try to analyze Kyuhyun?”

“Nope. Not worth it.”

Jungsoo let the conversation die there. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep, even though he knew that he wouldn’t be able to, not yet. There were still too many things going through his head, questions and problems and what-if’s and the knowledge that he shouldn’t worry this much. Jungsoo had never been good at letting things like that go, only at burying them deep and hoping that no one saw them.

“You’re still thinking about something.”

“Mmm.”

“Tell me.”

“The same as always,” Jungsoo replied. “There’s nothing you can do to help.”

“I want to, though,” Youngwoon said, softly, all of the teasing aspects of his voice now gone. “Do you think talking about it will help?”

“No,” Jungsoo said. “I don’t know if anything will.”

Youngwoon seemed like he didn’t know what to say to that. Jungsoo could hear the change in his heartbeat, the way his lungs didn’t contract as evenly because he sometimes forgot to breathe when he was thinking too hard.

“I’m here for you, Jungsoo, you know that,” Youngwoon said eventually. “Through anything. When you want to talk, I’ll be here. When you just need me to hold you, I’ll be here. When you want me to take on the world because it’s unfair, I’ll still be here.”

Jungsoo couldn’t help the way that the corners of his lips crinkled up. They both knew that they could never take on this world, not really. No matter how much they wanted to. But it was a nice sentiment.

“Just hold me, then,” Jungsoo replied. “That’s all I need for now.”

“Alright.” Youngwoon pulled Jungsoo closer, holding him as tight against his chest as he could without it becoming uncomfortable. “I love you so much, Jungsoo. My beautiful omega Jungsoo.”

 

\-----

 

Jungsoo drums his fingers against the tablecloth. He can hear the noises from the kitchen as Youngwoon finishes cooking. Jungsoo had offered to help him--Youngwoon is not the best at cooking--but Youngwoon had told him that he wanted to do something special for Jungsoo, which Jungsoo interpreted as an implicit order to go sit down and not interfere. He can do that. He can sit at the table and hope and worry and wait.

Jungsoo meets eyes with Youngwoon once before looking away as Youngwoon sets the plates he’s carrying down on the table. Jungsoo had been the first to text, the first to break the barrier that they’d put up, but he still feels so hesitant. He tries to convince himself that this is just closure, that once he’s talked to Youngwoon again he can move on and leave the questions behind and tell Heechul “yes” like he should have done a week and a half before.

“Thank you for cooking,” Jungsoo says, picking up his chopsticks and beginning to pull bites from each of the dishes onto his plate. The food is better than he expected from Youngwoon, but then again, he hasn’t had his cooking in years.

“It’s the least I can do.” Youngwoon starts to eat as well, and Jungsoo can feel the tension in the air, even as he refuses to meet Youngwoon’s eyes. He’s afraid. In the years that had passed, he’s always assumed that he’d feel nervous, maybe, but never afraid. Youngwoon never made him feel afraid before. But that’s the thing, beneath the fear, he can still feel how much he wants to just give up everything and be Youngwoon’s omega again, if Youngwoon would let him. He hates himself for wanting it as much as he does. “I wish I could do more for you, Jungsoo, to make up for everything.”

Jungsoo swallows. There are so many things that he could mean by that, that could be included or left out of “everything” because Jungsoo still doesn’t know how much of what happened Youngwoon feels sorry for. “It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not.” Youngwoon is trying to make his voice softer, Jungsoo can tell he’s trying, but some of the alpha anger, frustration, still seeps into his voice and Jungsoo can’t stop himself from wincing. “I made a lot of bad choices, and I know that I hurt you more than I hurt anyone else. I need to apologize, and I need to make it up to you.”

Jungsoo sets down his chopsticks and takes a deep breath. “Not all things can be made up for, Youngwoon. I can forgive you for a lot of things you did; I want to forgive you for them. But I can’t promise that forgiveness is going to just erase everything and take us back to the way things were before.”

“I know. I know that.”

“So?”

“I’m still sorry,” Youngwoon says. “For my bad choices and the way they hurt the group, the way they hurt you.” Jungsoo nods, still not looking up. “But I need to apologize for what I said to you, specifically.”

Jungsoo looks up, and he meets his eyes and sees nothing but sincerity. It hurts, almost as much as the words he’s apologizing for hurt. “It’s fine, I know you didn’t mean it.”

“Stop excusing my mistakes, Jungsoo.” Jungsoo flinches. “I said something terrible to you, and you didn’t deserve it. You didn’t deserve it at all. It’s not true, and I don’t want a few words that I said when I was angry and not thinking correctly to be what separates us forever.”

“I don’t want it be, either.” Jungsoo bites his lip. “But I don’t know if I can trust you again after that. Because now there’s always going to be a part of me that worries that that’s what you truly think, that you think that I’m--”

“You’re not a beta, Jungsoo. You know I don’t think that.”

 

\-----

 

“You can’t keep doing this, Youngwoon,” Jungsoo said, his voice muffled as he rubbed at his eyes. “This was supposed to be over, you were supposed to be--”

“To be better?” Youngwoon laughed bitterly, shaking his head. “This was one time, Jungsoo, I know how to manage myself.”

“No, you don’t. This wouldn’t have happened if you did.” Jungsoo stood up off the couch, pacing around the living room of the apartment. “The company aren’t going to let this go, you know? This isn’t something where a few months will pass and it’ll be alright Youngwoon, and you can’t just run off to the military again to get away from public attention. This is the kind of thing that will take years for people to forgive you for.”

Youngwoon met his eye, and there was a kind of hardness, a lack of depth, that Jungsoo hadn’t seen in those eyes in a long time. “We have all the time in the world, Jungsoo. Years have passed by before, and they’ll pass by again. We’ll get through it. I won’t do it again. But I don’t need you lecturing me--”

“Then what am I supposed to do?” Jungsoo turned away, taking a deep, staggering breath. “I want to be able to comfort you, as your omega, but right now I can’t be that. I have to be your leader, and being your leader means that I can’t just let this go and trust that you’ll be alright.”

“It’s my problem, Jungsoo, you don’t need--”

“And what about us?” Jungsoo leaned against the windows, his back to the darkness of the city evening as he started at Youngwoon. “What about the group? Do you think that this is just going to be alright, magically, that it’s not going to have consequences for all of us? We have an image to protect, Youngwoon, as much as we all wish that wasn’t true. If we can’t trust you to protect that image, for some of the members, that means they can’t trust you at all.”

“All of our years together, then, didn’t they mean something? Didn’t those years build all of our trust? Can all those years really be gone in an instant?”

Jungsoo looks down at the floor, trying to push back the tears at the corners of his eyes. “Trust is a fragile thing.”

Youngwoon huffed. “What, so now you don’t trust me either? I thought, out of all of us, that you’d be the one who wouldn’t give up on me so quickly.”

Jungsoo blinked. “Giving up on you? Do you think this is me giving up on you? I’m trying to help you, Youngwoon! I’m trying to fix your mistakes!”

“Have a little fucking faith in me! I don’t need you to fix my mistakes, and I don’t need you to fix me!”

Jungsoo stared at him, shocked into silence for a few seconds. When he did speak, his voice was quieter. Jungsoo has never been good at dealing with alpha anger. “Do you want me to just go, then? To just abandon you? Because if I go now, I can’t promise you that I’ll ever come back.”

“Go, then.” Jungsoo had never heard Youngwoon’s voice more bitter, more angry, more biting, than in that moment. “I don’t need a beta bitch like you, anyway.”

Jungsoo froze as his heart broke into a million shards, each stabbing at a different place in his chest, his lungs, his shoulders, his throat, anywhere that they could reach. For nearly ten years, Youngwoon had always called him an omega. Even in their worst moments, even when they’d had there worst arguments before, Youngwoon had never called him a beta. Youngwoon was his alpha, he was supposed to _know_ \--he was supposed to want Jungsoo. And Youngwoon didn’t want betas.

Jungsoo felt himself moving, felt his own legs moving until he was out of the living room, pushing his feet into his shoes, uncaring how uneven it would be without the laces being retied. He felt Youngwoon’s hand at his wrist, could hear Youngwoon’s voice at the edge of his mind, saying something, saying anything, trying to pull him back and stop him.

“Let go of me,” Jungsoo said, tugging his wrist away from Youngwoon as he made it out the door, practically running down the hallway of the apartment building with his shoes barely tied. He didn’t know where he was going, he just knew that he needed to get away.

The next things he knew, he was stood in front of Heechul’s door, without much memory of how he got there. He typed in the code, because he and Heechul knew each other’s apartment codes by heart, and stumbled inside, tugging his shoes off without bothering to put slippers on over his socks.

Heechul looked up from where he sat on his obnoxiously red couch. “Jungsoo, what’s wrong?”

Jungsoo collapsed into the couch by Heechul’s side, leaning his head on the omega’s shoulder. “Youngwoon.”

Heechul nodded his head in understanding. “It’s a difficult situation. After what happened last--”

“He called me a beta.” Jungsoo whispered. “We got into an argument and he called me a beta and I just ran because I didn’t know what to do.”

Heechul’s eyes widened. “How the fuck could he say something like that?” He pulled Jungsoo into a hug, so that Jungsoo was practically in his lap. “If he thinks you’re a beta then he’s never known you at all.”

Jungsoo stared into Heechul’s eyes, seeing the sincerity in them, the rage that was for him instead of against him. Jungsoo kissed him, for the first time in years, and he felt Heechul kiss him back with all of the same passion that he had all those years before.

“Please, Heechul, I don’t want to be alone.”

 

\-----

 

Jungsoo locks eyes with Youngwoon again, and he feels every nerve in his body like it’s on fire, but he’s still frozen in place. Because he wants to run back into Youngwoon’s arms and accept his apology, but he knows that the guilt will still come to him in the morning. The guilt will come either way, though, no matter what he does. It always comes. “Prove it to me,” he says, eventually, after the silence has stretched on for far too long. “Prove to me that you don’t think of me as a beta.”

Youngwoon abandons the food, taking Jungsoo’s hand and pulling him to his feet. He kisses him, softly, softer than Jungsoo has felt anyone kiss him in years because Heechul never has the restraint necessary to kiss softly. Jungsoo almost didn’t think Youngwoon had it in him either.

“I’ll give you everything,” Youngwoon says to him between kisses. “You deserve so much more than I can give you, but I swear, I’ll give you everything that I can.”

Jungsoo knows he means it, he knows that Youngwoon means it with every piece of his soul. He ignores the way that Heechul’s words echo in his mind, and he focuses on the way that Youngwoon’s hands feel on his hips, on his back, as Youngwoon makes him feel like an omega again. Like his omega. Because that’s what Jungsoo’s always been, isn’t it? No matter how long they’re separated, no matter how many reasons Jungsoo has to leave him behind, Jungsoo is bonded to him. Jungsoo loves him. He loves the intensity, he loves the protectiveness, he loves the way that he gets Jungsoo out of his head and stops the worries, at least as much as anyone can.

Jungsoo falls asleep that night in Youngwoon’s bed, held tightly to his alpha, still knotted together, and he tries not to wonder why it feels like there’s a Heechul-shaped hole in his chest.

Oh well. He’ll regret it in the morning anyway.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm considering about writing another fic in this universe (a more in-depth look at the KRY relationship, probably) but if I did write it it probably wouldn't be up until after I finish this academic year (so about a month or so from now). Leave a comment if you'd like to tell me what you though of this fic, as well as if you'd be interested in reading the other.


End file.
